midnightdemons7

Here we go again

I finally managed a shower yesterday. And I am wearing my TNMT Pjs. They are nice and comfy. I might go to the store tomorrow with them on if it isn’t too cold out. I wanted to go to the store but I could barely stay awake. I put the white noise machine on and it made me so sleepy. It took forever for me to get to sleep during the night though. My brain was going and didn’t want to shut up.

I didn’t go out today because I was too sleepy. There was no heat in the house because we are having problems with the boiler. Hopefully it is fixable. I have been wearing layers. It is ok in my room. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain. I probably won’t go out. I really haven’t been out all week.

I’ve had a stomachache since I had something to eat. I had a turkey sandwich and some cookies. I also had a cup of coffee to try and warm up. It was cold in the kitchen so I made some sugar cookies. They didn’t come out right as I undercooked them. Oh well. I still ate them. Not a lot though as my stomach was hurting. I have been trying to drink water but it has been hard. I am getting close to finishing my bottle though. A little at a time.

I am very depressed that Congress passed a trans youth bill banning gender affirming care. Makes me so sick. Most surgeries do not happen to those under 18. It is ridiculous. I am so mad. And stupid anti-mental Health RFKjr is trying to take away counseling from them too. Asshole. Bunch of pedos sticking their business in children’s genitals.

My room smells like wet dry wall. I hate the smell. It’s because it is musty in my room. I am listening to Pearl Jam. I need to listen to it because I am so frustrated. Taylor doesn’t work when I am like this. I feel so invalid. I don’t know if the morons in Congress filed the bill that said there were only two sexes. I haven’t seen it. I will never be able to get my passport done if that does pass. I feel so stupid. I should have had this done a while ago but I didn’t have the damn money. Fuck. I feel like a non-citizen. In a country I was born in. I don’t think I can bring this up in therapy because Medicaid pays my copays. I hate my life right now. And no one understands. I am alone. Always alone.

Another shitty day

I had a hard time sleeping. I tried everything and finally gave up around 11. I was reading Jack Turban’s Free to Be which is about trans youth. I can relate to it so much. I realized I have gender repression even though I expressed myself as a tomboy throughout my life. I guess it was easier being seen as that than as a man. It still hurts that I repressed myself so much I wanted to kill myself. How much I loathe myself you wouldn’t believe. I sometimes still do.

Last night I was in agony. The Senate passed a bill that would ban trans athletes and federally define sex, which would essentially make trans and intersex people non existent. 28 Dems voted yes on this bill and I am so damn angry. I used to like Amy Klobochur but she has turned into my nemesis. I am glad she is in MN and not Mass. I don’t know if this needs to go to the house or not. I am just on the edge again. I will never be able to get my passport if this passes. Federally, I won’t be seen, which is just like it is now. It makes me so sad.

I was having palpitations last night. It was freaking me out and I wanted to send a message to my pcp. But after a little while it stopped and I wasn’t so anxious. My blood pressure is still up. I got to take a few more readings for the NP. It hasn’t been a week since I increased the dose to 50 mg. I still have some room for it to work. Then I got to get my bloodwork done.

I have been tired most of the day. I have been in bed. Only getting up to check my messages on my phone or answer my sister’s calls. I played my game most of the day but things have been taking longer to produce products. It has been a long day to wait. I had small meals today. I had cottage cheese for breakfast/lunch and then a chicken sandwich for dinner. I have been drinking water more than Powerade. I had to refill my water bottle again today. I seem to be doing it at least once a day. I am going to go to bed early tonight. I didn’t nap so I should be able to sleep through the night. I am listening to Taylor’s Fearless album. It is one of my favorites. I have it just at the right volume.

Grades are back!

Today has been a rough day. I didn’t sleep most of the night. I woke up around 1 and it was very difficult getting back to sleep. I don’t think I went back till my sister left for work. I snoozed a little until my med alarm went off. I didn’t get up right away but had to because of my bladder. I took my meds and then laid down again.

I got up around noon to have some coffee before therapy. I wasn’t hungry so didn’t eat anything. I thought about having some yogurt or cottage cheese but just wasn’t hungry enough. I finished my coffee and played my game before going back up to my room.

Therapy went well. We talked about the holidays and my birthday. She asked if I was suicidal and I wasn’t. For the first time I am not thinking of ending things around my birthday. I am still depressed but thoughts of death are away. Things are just gloomy.

After therapy, I got the email I have been waiting a month to get…my paper grade! I got an 86 which gives me a B for the class. I am so glad. I thought I was for sure going to get a C. It’s not official yet. But I think that is what I am going to get.

I have been resting since after therapy. I had something to eat and drank some water. I need to refill my water bottle. I have been trying to drink more but it is hard when you’re not really that thirsty. I got a slight stomach ache. I am hoping to have some dinner. I don’t know what I am going to have. Most likely soup again. Or I might have cereal. I need to find out where my sister put my box of frosted wheats. It isn’t in the cabinet. Ugh. I hate it when she puts things where they don’t belong.

I am on a steroid pack for my headaches and I keep forgetting to take the after meal doses. I took my dinner one too close to my night time meds so I have to delay taking them now. Glad I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two phone calls I need to make and also need to text my DMH worker on our next appt as I didn’t write it down. I just looked at the calendar and the 29^th is a Monday not a Friday. I am all screwed up.

My neck has been hurting me all day. I have been meaning to put heat on it but keep forgetting and I am too tired now to go downstairs. Besides, bitch is in the kitchen and I rather not be around her right now. I am kind of angry at the felon who is being a real fuck, not like he isn’t anyway. Man has no empathy in him at all. And I am so sad to hear about what happened in Australia. Gun violence has taken so many lives. It’s sickening. I don’t know when it will stop. Probably not in my lifetime. Not until better laws are made and enforced. The Constitution is a joke right now. It will be years to make it solid again. I hope by then we have made the Supreme Court better. Otherwise, things will stay as it is.