midnightdemons7

Fuck it Friday

I had to install updates on my laptop twice today. I was not happy, but then, I have been in a mood since I woke up. I had to get up because of my appt which I decided not to go to because I got up late. I literally had 15 mins to get ready to catch the bus and I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet. And shit I forgot to take my weight loss drug. Dammit Beevus. I was going to take it when I had my coffee but I forgot. Been forgetting things lately and I don’t like it. But I have so much going on in my head it is hard to remember everything.

As was predicted, Felon lied his ass off about the election he lost six years ago. The man can’t let it go and wants to corrupt every election from now on so only Republicans win. I got mad. Shut the app off then got mad at everything. Like all the anger I have been holding on to just came bubbling up. I had a corn muffin with my coffee and tried to bring my anger down some. I wanted to call the clinic and tell them I wasn’t showing up but I didn’t. I was in a mood and it was best not to talk to anyone.

I had a few hours to kill before therapy so I shaved my beard off and made a goatee. It needs a trim but I don’t care. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to also shave my head. My beard length and hair length were about the same. I think I will let my hair grow a little longer and then take it off. I really want to go to the barber to have it done so I don’t miss a spot in the back. Also will get my neck cleaned up with it. But I don’t have the money for it. I miss going to the barber. It was a good time to shoot the shit and stuff.

Therapy was kind of hard as I was in a mood and not in a very talkative one. She wanted to know more about the anger as I didn’t mention it Monday. I said it was everything and stress about finances and stuff. I told her how hard it was going grocery shopping yesterday and how stressed I was afterwards. I had some PTSD stuff happen when I was home. I got scared and felt like something bad was going to happen. I also had anxiety through the roof. We talked about black and white thinking but didn’t really get into it. She said it was just a term and she said she wouldn’t use it anymore if it bothered me. It doesn’t really bother me I am just shocked I am still thinking that way even though I thought I was doing better to be in the gray area of things. But I guess I do have extremes in my thinking. I told her my pain was better and she was relieved. I had pain last night and while talking with her. The ceiling fan caused my foot to be cold. It has been warm and cold all day. Driving me nuts. It is currently cold again. Last night I took gabapentin and Ativan. I wanted to take some pain meds but my bowels are still fucked up from earlier this week. I just had a bowel movement that felt like I was in labor. I had to push so hard to get the stuff out. I hate that.

I am keeping track of the game. They have won 10 in a row and currently lead their second game. Getting closer to 500!! I am going to read my book and check the score in between chapters. I have to return it next week so need to be read this weekend. I am almost done with it. I think I have just three or four more to read.

Hot and tired

I forced myself to stay in bed until my cousin called me. He was going to take me food shopping. I had already taken my meds around 8 when I had to get up to pee. Honey was on the mat by the back door. She loves the heat. When I got up, I let her out and immediately got blasted by heat.

I had my coffee but didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t really hungry. My cousin called again saying he had to go to the bank and then would pick me up. I said fine, I had to get dressed anyway. I went upstairs and found crap by my door. I don’t know how she snuck by me to go upstairs but she did. I cleaned up the mess and then got dressed. My nephew is trying to teach her to tell us when she needs to go potty. Apparently we have been underfeeding her. My poor baby. She doesn’t like the kibble we give her unless it is with rice.

I was feeling fine when my cousin came and we went to the store. Then after we were shopping and I fretted over the cost (more than I had), I was in a mood. I was wicked tired. I helped my cousin load his groceries to his car. I only had one bag but I pretty much got what I needed. The only expensive thing I bought was the ice cream. Always the ice cream. My cousin got me an iced tea after. I felt kind of migrainey. I took some Tylenol when I came home. I need to get more. I also drank a whole Powerade as I have been doing shitty drinking fluids lately.

I got a call this morning reminding me I have an ultrasound tomorrow. I can’t eat or drink anything for six hours. I am going to bring a sandwich with me. Hopefully I will be up early enough. I have therapy in the afternoon. For some reason when I got home, I felt scared. I know it was anxiety but I don’t know why it happened. The puppy keeps barking loudly at my nephew though now that he has been feeding her, she isn’t barking as much. He is trying to get her on a potty schedule that isn’t our kitchen floor or the upstairs hallway.

Painsomnia night

I was in hell last night with pain and no sleep. I couldn’t get comfortable. I think I finally fell asleep around 6 after I took my morning meds. My nephew moved in last night and Honey did not like it at all. She was barking her head off. We are keeping her in her room. I feel bad but it is better than her barking all the time my nephew moves throughout the house.

I have been sleepy most of the day and my foot flared up. I just took a pain med. I asked my pcp for some more. She gave me some. I was scared I would have to have a conversation with the nurse. But I didn’t. I am so glad. I think I will have a check in tomorrow on how things are going. I am not contacting them. I am tired and hopeless that pain meds are my only option. My bowels are backed up. I thought I would go today but I haven’t yet. I don’t want to take miralax again because I don’t want a blowout.

I wanted a shower today. I got my things ready for it but haven’t made my way to the bathroom with them. Maybe tomorrow. I haven’t eaten today. I am not hungry. I have been making sure I am drinking though. Don’t want to end up in the ED. Tomorrow I have a dentist appt to clean my teeth. I will find out the damage of my teeth then. I hope the cleaning doesn’t hurt though I know the flossing will. My gums always bleed afterwards. I keep having pain on the left side of my teeth where my teeth are broken. I hope I didn’t develop an infection or something. I am kind of scared to go. I wish someone could come with me. If I did develop an infection I hope they don’t give me amoxicillin four time a day. That is hard to manage.

The only other appt this week is my ultrasound. I have therapy in the afternoon. Sandwiched in between are Sox games as they have a doubleheader. I thought I would do some reading tonight but my brain is foggy. I might go to bed after I take my night meds. I am going to have an ensure with it. I had one for breakfast.