midnightdemons7

My body hurts and I need sleep

My lower back has been bothering me the past few days. I only got a few hours sleep last night. I worked on my homework while I was having coffee. I ordered the Starbucks Dubai chocolate mocha and OMG it is so damn good. I needed espresso to think. I had to go to lab even though I wanted to stay with Honey. I felt bad leaving her alone.

I took a lyft to the station because I rested longer than I should have and I missed the bus. I had to pick up my meds. I got to the lab with like 15 mins to spare. I surprisingly walked ok across campus and back. There were snow flurries when I started lab and then it moved to full snow show. Lab took fucking forever to do. We were doing an experiment and the process just took literally three hours. We did some genetics stuff and next week I need to bring my laptop for the work. I needed it today for her to check off but I didn’t have one so borrowed one of my classmates. I had no idea what I was doing but clicked and did some squares.

I walked in the snow to get to the shuttle bus. I was so tired. The train was delayed and the assholes only used four cars which caused crowding. I hated it. One guy kept hitting me with his bag and I swear I was going to kick him. There was an unhoused person laying down on the seats across from me. He got off on some stop. But no one sat down. I don’t know why. I didn’t want to know. I got off my stop and it was raining. I wanted a sandwich and got it. Then I went to the grocery store to get some corn muffins. My bladder was giving me signals so I didn’t shop. By the time I reached the registers, I really had to go but there were no bathrooms. I ordered a Lyft and then lost control of my bladder. I was completely wet. Thank god it was raining and dark so you couldn’t really see me. I felt so awful. I came home and jumped into the shower where I nearly lost my balance while turning. I was like WTF. I also had to pee again. It hurt so bad. My bladder has been hurting me all evening. I think I got a UTI. I messaged my pcp about this because I hate when I lose control of my bladder. It freaks me out. I think I am going to give a urine sample tomorrow rather than Thurs. This way by Friday, if I have an infection, they can know.

I feel so depressed. I made an appt with my therapist tomorrow. I hope I am up because it is at 11. I set my alarm for 10 so I can have coffee. I was really hoping to sleep in tomorrow. Maybe I can do that Thur. I am so thirsty. I want to get a UMB water bottle. I wanted to stop by the bookstore before leaving but it was snowing pretty hard and the shuttle was there so I decided to leave. I think I will go to bed soon. I was going to read the next chapter but I don’t want to. My brain hurts. My back hurts. I did a lot of walking today. Hopefully my bladder calms the fuck down and I am not going to the bathroom every hour or two.

Complicated grief strikes again

I’ve been up since 530. I had to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I waited till my sister left for work, hoping I would drift off but then I started thinking about amino acids and well, I got up to study some more. I’ve been up since. I had my coffee but I was out of half and half so could only have one cup. I tried the almond milk creamer, and well, no. Not the same. After I had my coffee, I took a shower. My back is still bothering. I had some cramps the other day and it just put a kink in it. If I move a certain way, I kind of get locked up. It’s in the middle of my back so not sure what is going on.

I rested after my shower. It was close to therapy time. I had a difficult time last night. There was some stuff about trans that is affecting me and if the voting bill passes, I won’t be able to vote because I don’t have a “valid ID”, which I can’t get because I am trans. I told my therapist how I felt last night and that I texted a hotline, which for the first time was useless. The person I got didn’t want to talk to me so I just felt more alone and wanted the convo to end. My therapist asked if I had a plan and then wanted to know what it was. We talked about lock boxes. I told her the meds are locked up and as long as I don’t think about it, I am ok. The key is hidden in my bureau, which is not near me and neither is the lock box. I don’t remember if I told her my niece posted pics of my mother today. It just flooded me with memories of her last month of life. But I messaged her asking for another appt this week. I am really stressed out and March is not a good month for me. It is filled with anniversaries.

I remember that month so vividly. Every detail including her last week of life, which was while I was recovering from surgery. It is so mixed for me. I hate it. I hate her. I love her. I miss her. Ugh. She drives me crazy. And her anniversary is coming up next month. It will be three years. I remember my father dying but I wasn’t really around him while he was at the nursing home. My sisters visited him. I hated him and still fucking missed him when he died. Now I dream of him every now and then. My mother I seem to dream every other night. Lately we have been arguing in the dream. I get frustrated. I wake up confused.

I got up later than I wanted to. I had two cups of coffee and then I planned on shaving. But my bowels weren’t cooperating with me. I kept having to go so I would wait until my stomach calmed down. I went to my room and just played on my game. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I need to shower because I leaked. It’s also been more than a few days so I smell.

I need to read chapter 2 as a refresher. Exam is tomorrow. I am wicked nervous. I studied amino acids yesterday and read chapter 3.

I finally ate something today. I really didn’t eat yesterday or most of today. I really need to start drinking fluids before I get lightheaded and weak. I feel tired but I got to do some self-care stuff today. I don’t know what I want to wear.

I got therapy and class tomorrow. I need to pick up my meds tomorrow too. I sent my psychiatrist a message about how it has been going with the lower dose of latuda. I’ve just been more anxious. I kind of feel suicidal today. It’s been on the back burner for some reason. Now that we are at war, I am really despising my country. I am fearful of retaliation. This isn’t good. And I am so mad. I become more mad every day.