sleep is still fucked

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sleeping is still fucked

I woke up in the middle of the night after sleeping for a few hours. I was still in pain and felt worse. I didn’t go back to sleep until 7 or 8am. I slept for a few hours and when I woke up, I was late for therapy. We talked about this weekend and how horrible it was. I told her I was suicidal again because the pain is just so bad. I have had a headache or migraine the past few days. Today I have a migraine. I took some Excedrin and my triptan for it. I hope to get a response from my neuro tomorrow. I requested the steroids again.

I went back to sleep after therapy. I didn’t know what I wanted to eat. I wasn’t very hungry. I had an ensure this morning. I had some soup for dinner. I put too much black pepper in it. I wanted wings and a soda. But I didn’t get them. I need to go to the grocery store for some stuff. I want to get a pumpkin pie and eggnog.

Therapy went ok. I was open about being suicidal because of the pain. I was tired as I just woke up so I wasn’t thinking too clear. We talked about class and how I can rest today because I was off. I still need to do the work. I got to study for history as I got a quiz on Wed. We didn’t get into how suicidal I was or anything. I am depressed about the CRPS being out of remission.

I am hungry. I think I am going to make a PB&J. It has been my go to. I love it so much.

What’s one thing…

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

What’s one thing you know now that would have saved your younger self a lot of pain?

If I knew it could transition younger, it would have saved me a lot of pain. Or if I knew what transgender was a little more.

In a lot of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, physical pain

Trigger warning SA

My CRPS pain is a 10/10 right now. I can’t do anything and sleeping is far from happening. I wrote in my journal. I recorded how I am in my 3rd day of headaches/migraines. I just took another triptan for it. I got to refill the prescription. The CRPS is out of remission and I am so depressed about it. I don’t know what can be done about it. Nothing but taking pain meds around the clock worked before.

My lower back along the spine hurts. And my left calf hurts. That has been bothering me all fucking day. It made therapy difficult because I couldn’t get comfortable. I talked about difficult things in therapy. My therapist said I have been through a lot and that i was resilient. I hate that word. I don’t know why. Maybe because it is overused with people who have trauma. The stuff about those college boys that raped that girl has stirred up my own memories of what I’ve been through. There was a statistic saying that 99% of men are rapists. I was raped by the 1%. It happened more than 20 years ago. But the incident left me feeling like I shouldn’t be with someone. I have remained single all this time. I have not been in a relationship and don’t really care to be. I felt kind of lonely tonight. I wanted to cuddle with the pup but her mom came home just as I was going down the stairs.

I took plenty of meds for my pain. Tonight was take anything and everything kind of night. It’s been about 2 hours and my pain is a little less than it was before but I am still hurting. I am listening to music to distract myself. This station i created plays all types of songs, from 80s to now. It’s awesome. The most played group is Matchbox 20. I love them. I got to get their newest album. They have a song called Hang and it is really touching.

I’ve felt suicidal tonight. I so wanted to OD and end it all. I have so much school work to do. I am starting to get overwhelmed. I need to stay away from these thoughts. It is so hard though. It is my go to place. I have thought of OD’g around the time I see my pcp but I have a quiz in my gender class that day. I am so crunched. I can’t be doing stupid shit.

What’s the weirdest movie you’ve ever watched?

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

What’s the weirdest movie you’ve ever watched?

It would have to be a movie in which Wil Wheaton played but I forget the title of the movie. All I remember is that the tomatoes on the farm got monstrous. It was so weird.