midnightdemons7

Day fourteen of flare

I have been in pain most of the day. Between my foot and my mouth, it has been a challenge. I got up around 10 to pee and then I cuddled with the puppy. I hadn’t taken my meds yet but I had to get the weight loss drug out of the fridge. I am slowly reaching my weight goals.

I had therapy today. I didn’t mention to her that I had suicidal thoughts yesterday and she didn’t ask. She was upset that my neuro said that she wasn’t a specialist in CRPS. I felt kind of crushed by it and pain today just made me feel hopeless this flare is going to continue. We talked about how hopeless I felt and depressed. I said that my puppy was helping me. Today she was being really clingy. She didn’t want to be left alone. She wanted to go in and out of the house but it was really hot outside for her. I read an article about dogs getting heatstroke and dying in high temps. But I swear this dog loves the heat. She will actually go under the covers despite the heat. I don’t know if it is because of the cold air of the AC or not. She is such a weirdo. She had to be on me today or touching me at some point. She was falling asleep in my lap this morning and I didn’t think I would be able to go back to my room to take my meds.

I had every intention of clearing my bed off after therapy but I ran out of gas after I made something to eat. I made cheesy eggs. They were so good. I made four eggs so I could share with the puppy. She ate it so I think she liked it. I didn’t give her too much. I had the majority of it as I was hungry. I thought about making some toast with it but my mouth is still hurting me from my broken tooth. I didn’t hear from the dental office today. I will have to call them on Mon.

My cousin just had her baby maybe two weeks ago and she just posted pics. My little cousin is so cute and has a full head of hair. I don’t know if I will see her as I don’t attend family functions often. Most of the time, I am not invited. I finally met my favorite cousin’s little girls when they came to my niece’s 30^th birthday party.

I am tired and nauseous. I am listening to the game. Sox have a one run lead at the moment. They had difficulty leaving Chicago so the game was delayed. Sox add another run! 3-1 Sox. But the call home is being challenged. Fuck. Runner is out. Ugh. Sox still have the lead though. Hope they can keep it.

Grumpy and frustrating day

I had to get up early today because I had a neuro appt. I slept through my first alarm but got up on my second. I had already taken my meds. I went downstairs for coffee and there wasn’t a place to sit. My sister has the kitchen upside down with stuff from the front porch. As I tried to find a spot, I stepped in shit because I wasn’t looking. I got it everywhere and I was not fucking happy about it. Because the puppy is being fed human food and some supplements, her stool is softer than normal and it makes it difficult to clean up. I was so pissed. I had to clean the poop up then clean my slippers. Luckily there was no pee anywhere.

After I had my coffee, I went upstairs and checked the bus schedule. There was a bus at 1104 that I could take. I aimed for that time. I played my game and listened to Taylor. My foot was bothering me. I don’t know if my pcp’s nurse messaged me before or after I got dressed but I messaged them I was still in pain and was hopeless about it. I had already sent a message to my therapist. I also message my DMH case worker. I knew there was nothing they could do and I was frustrated about it. My doc knows the flare will eventually calm down but I don’t know when that will be.

I left for the bus. I had to stop at the corner where there was a bench for a few minutes. Foot was giving me some remarks. My bones felt like they were being crushed. The bus was late by 5 mins so I had to wait like 20 mins for it. My back didn’t like standing so I was dealing with that as well. It was cramping up on me.

I was weighed at my neuro office. I lost another three pounds. I was so happy. I was feeling kind of hungry today. I didn’t have breakfast as I didn’t know what I wanted to eat so just had coffee. The neuro did the cognitive test. I passed it and there is no indication my memory is altered. We talked about CRPS for a bit. Then she said that isn’t her specialty and I was floored. The recommendation from my pcp was to go to the ED for relief. I don’t want to go because I know they aren’t going to do anything. My foot looks pretty normal. It might be a little swollen but not the severe CRPS purple swollen that is typically seen. I fear I would be seen as a fake. If anything I would rather be seen by psych because on the way home, I seriously thought about overdosing on my meds. Just take a handful and hope for the best. Or maybe I will count some out and take them. I don’t know. I didn’t come up with a definitive plan. I just thought about it and like always, it gave me some comfort that I could something like this.

My neuro said she would scan the cognitive test into my record and then I would see her or her NP in four months but I should call if there is something more urgent. I know now that if I have a CRPS concern, not to call her about it. Fuck.

I thought about going to the grocery store on the way home. I wanted a turkey sandwich but the stop came and I didn’t get up. It was a walk to the store and I just couldn’t do it with my foot bothering me. I took the bus home and then went to the pharmacy to get the weight loss drug and something to eat. They had Digiorno pizza on sale so I got that. They didn’t have turkey. I also got some ice cream sandwiches again. It was hot today, like in the 90s. I hated to turn the oven on but I wanted pizza. I had two slices and then saved the rest. Somehow while I was eating it, my broken tooth broke more. I have a nice sharp edge now that is irritating my tongue.

Sox played a day game so I can read tonight. I am tired though so I don’t know how much reading will be done and I just took a pain med so my brain might not be there. One of the things my neuro said was that the brain is like a computer. If you have too many tabs open, you slow down. She also said that I have a high pain tolerance which I do. You kind of have to with CRPS. The pain can be intolerable at times. My BFF in Canada is on vacation and won’t be back till Sunday. I miss talking to her already. It is so weird not communicating with her.

Pain is exhausting

I had weird dreams last night. Two of them had to do with me being pregnant and being due. The other one was of trying to remember my doctors that I have seen for my surgeries for a referral. I kept having to need my phone and go places. It was strange. I didn’t get up till about noon. I didn’t sleep during the night. I was up like at 230 and couldn’t go back to sleep. My foot didn’t hurt as much and I thought the flare was getting better but today the bones started to ache and it was downhill after that.

I ordered some groceries and all I got was my Powerade. My food choices were not available. I will have to go to the store to get them. I forgot water and tried to add it to my order but I couldn’t so I made another order. Bringing them upstairs was hard. I had taken a shower and it threw my back into a fit. I wasn’t even washed up yet. I just washed my hair and face when it freaked out. I had to sit to wash up. My sister needed help bringing down the recycle. I brought one item and I was done. My back couldn’t take anymore. It wasn’t even heavy.

I am so tired. I had a cup of coffee at 430pm thinking it would keep me awake for the game as I was just dragging. I had my T shot and didn’t cover it fast enough so got blood on my sheets. I will be changing them this weekend. After the shot, I felt exhausted. I tried taking a nap today with the pup as she was needy but I couldn’t rest. She was anxious and kept popping up to see what all the noise was. The construction across the way from me kept dropping shit or at least that is what it sounded like. They have been doing work on the house and now are building an additional space that is huge and at least a 2 decker. They are finally putting on the roof. All I know is I wish there was some place for me to go so I can escape the hammering and sawing.

All I have had to eat today was a bagel and some cookies. I didn’t feel like making dinner. I also have not drank anything other than coffee. I feel a little lightheaded. It is making the feeling of tiredness worse. I just turned on the AC and so far it hasn’t affected my foot. I hope I don’t have to take a pain med because my bowels are backed up. If I don’t go tomorrow, I will have to take miralax again and that may cause another blowout. I didn’t take senna tonight because I am going out tomorrow. I got to see my neuro. Hope I am up early enough. I got to get used to being up around 9 as my classes are at noon and I will need to leave around 10 to be on campus. I have a hard time getting up in the morning. It is going to be a struggle to be in class.

A cuddling day

I got up this morning to pee and then I laid down with the puppy. I stayed in bed with her and we cuddled. It was so good. The weather was crappy outside so I couldn’t let her out. She didn’t drink too much during the day. I didn’t get up till around 4pm. I had coffee and some cookies. I also made a bagel. That is all I have eaten today. I am not too hungry.

My CRPS pain is still bothering me. I hardly slept Monday night. I talked to my pcp’s nurse and they said I could take my pain meds a little more for the next few days. I didn’t need it last night as the pain wasn’t too bad. I ended up going to bed early and waking up around midnight. I read for a while. But it was hard going back to sleep. I am glad today was a rainy day so I could just stay in bed.

I still feel down. I can’t seem to get out of the funk. Being in pain every day hasn’t helped my mood. I just feel out of sorts. I haven’t left the house in some time. Maybe if the weather is better tomorrow, I will go out. I need to get my weight loss drug from the pharmacy anyways. It isn’t ready yet but it should be. I will call tomorrow and find out when will it be ready.

I have my feet under the blanket and sheets and they are frozen. I hate when my feet are cold. I won’t be able to sleep. I might have to put some socks on. It is cool today so I don’t have the AC on just the ceiling fan. I wish the temps would stay this way the rest of the summer. I hate the heat.