midnightdemons7

A diamond in the rough

I didn’t sleep last night, at all. I was up for more than 24 hours. I am getting used to being up all hours of the night. I didn’t read my book at all because I just didn’t have the concentration necessary for reading. I was mostly on my phone looking at social media and playing my game.

I had therapy today and that was good. The call from the surgeon’s office came in during the last part of the session. It was just to collect information to pass along to the surgeon. I had to wait another couple of hours to hear back. My side has been killing me all day. We talked some more about being trans and how I wanted to die because I couldn’t transition to being a boy. The biggest thing was having top surgery and there was some hesitation as my BMI was in question. Luckily, I was able to find a surgeon that didn’t care about BMI. I told her that I had black and white thinking at this young age. We didn’t talk about it much but I feel like we need to because sometimes I still get stuck in the black or white thinking and it leads me down the narrow road.

After therapy, I had some lunch. I made some brown rice to go with the chicken I had. It was really good. Then I had a nap and my med alarm woke me up. I didn’t know if it was day or night so I ended up taking my morning meds. Then I realized it was night time so took my night time meds. Fuck. I screwed up. This is the second time I did something like this.

The surgeon called in some lidocaine patches for my pain. I am not going to pick the up as I know they are not going to work. I will just keep doing what I have been doing. I wanted to be seen but I guess that wasn’t necessary. I would have felt better and more reassured nothing was going on. He said he would call me in a few days to check on me.

They changed my pharmacy to the one around the corner so I need to add MassHealth to it so some of my prescriptions I won’t pay. This is so much easier for me for days I don’t feel like going out.

Lots of pain today

I woke up from a dream where I was kicking a guy in the nuts and I really woke up to me kicking. It hurt my abs. I took some Tylenol, thinking it would go away. But as I was finishing my lunch, I had a sneeze attack of like 7 or 8 sneezes and omg were they painful. The first one hurt really bad and I tried to tighten my muscles for the subsequent ones but didn’t matter. The pain was in my right lower quadrant where a stitch was. I hope I didn’t do anything but I am calling the surgeon when I get up tomorrow.

I was bored most of the day. I paid attention to the game, which we lost. I plan on reading my book until I feel sleepy or the pain gets to be too much. I ended up taking a pain med around 3 but it did squat. Pain is like a 8 or 9. I thought about going to the ED but I will wait to see the surgeon tomorrow. Sitting is bad and when I tried laying down, it didn’t help either. I am just feeling miserable.

I finally had a BM today. It wasn’t much but hopefully it continues to move. I have been taking miralax twice a day to get things moving. I have the pain med and the weight loss drug working against me. I was able to hold my weight at 195lbs this week. I was surprised it didn’t go lower because I hardly ate. I think between my bowels holding stool and being swollen from surgery it is adding some weight.

Other than therapy, I have nothing else going on this week. Next week I see my psychiatrist and will probably talk to my DMH worker unless I feel like traveling to Boston. I feel like it has been ages since I last saw my psychiatrist. I hate these two months appts. But he has proven to being useless when I am having a hard time.

I have been posting updates about Taylor’s wedding. I can’t believe it is this week. I can’t wait to see the photos. She is going to look stunning. I will play Love Story all day.

It is going to be hot all week so I am going to try and clear out my recycling this week so I can access my AC. My room is ridiculously hot for me. I have no idea how I have been tolerating but it has been driving me crazy. I want to be shirtless but I don’t want the steri-strips to rub against something and come off prematurely.

Saturday Blog 06062026

I woke up around 2 to pee and never went back to sleep. I tried but my brain wouldn’t shut off. It kept thinking of the next adventure in the book I am reading. I couldn’t bring myself to read it because I knew it would wake me up. I was in pain. I had taken some Tylenol then about three hours later I took my pain meds. I laid with the puppy after I had my coffee. It was and is really hot in my room. The AC is such a game changer. I wish I had the energy to do the little cleaning I need to do to set my AC up but there is no way I can move stuff, even if it is light.

I had two meals today so that was good. I have been trying to drink more water but  it’s hot and I don’t like it when it’s hot. My urine smells and is cloudy so I need to try and drink more. I also haven’t had a bowel movement in a week. I am taking Miralax and senna. One of them should work soon. Also been taking magnesium. I feel really full and bloated. Any type of pressure I put on my belly to pass gas hurts. I don’t want to rip my stitches. Hopefully I will go tomorrow. But I don’t feel anything moving.

I wanted to wash up today but never did. Just to have a cool cloth on me. I hate the heat. It is driving me crazy. And I need to trim my mustache a bit as there is hair getting in my mouth when I eat. I want a haircut but I know I won’t be able to shave yet as it takes too much arm stretching.

I talked with my pcp’s nurse yesterday about the weight loss drug. I am at 195 lbs and I am happy about that. There is no higher dose so I am staying at this dose. The OR clipped my hair on my abdomen so it was nice and neat. It was all shaggy before. I am so hairy. I still don’t know why I am getting pain off the center of my belly button, like to the RLQ. I hope the surgeon calls on Monday so I can ask him if it is normal.

I haven’t decided if I am going to keep track of the ball game or not. I have lost interest because they keep losing. They won last night. I fell asleep before the game started. I was so tired last night. I am tired now but I am not sleepy. I want to read my book because it excites me. I am wicked hot though so I might go downstairs where the AC is. Sitting up is easier and doesn’t hurt as much as it did. It is just mainly when I move that I hurt. I haven’t had heartburn since surgery or reflux. I hope they stay away. I don’t plan on doing anything tomorrow except read my book.