midnightdemons7

Hard day

I reluctantly got up around 10 because I had to pee. I then took my meds and played my games as well as checked messages on my phone. I was feeling so damn tired. I got up around 1030 to get some coffee. I had one cup and then some yogurt. Then I had another cup. I was kind of hungry so I made a chicken sandwich. I forgot how good those chicken patties are. Then I got dressed for class. I was kind of running late so took a Lyft to the station. Of course the trains were delayed and I was worried I was going to be late for lab. They have a 15 min rule where if you are more than 15 mins late, you’re not allowed in lab. I just made it. I forgot to bring a water bottle and I was thirsty. I am grateful they had water fountains around the campus.

My legs were not my friend today. Even around the house they were aching. I had to do a lot of walking on campus to get to the lab and then I had to walk back. By the time I got to the train station and did the three flights of stairs to get there, I was so out of breath. It took a long while for me to catch my breath. The trains were delayed. Apparently, someone got hit by a commuter rail train and died. I don’t know if it was intentional or not as they were crossing the tracks.

I was craving spaghetti and sauce so I stopped at the store and got luckily they had my brand of jarred sauce. The pasta I didn’t care for but it was all they had so I bought it. When I turned on the last street to my house, I thought my legs were going to give on me. I was taking baby steps home. I had to pee and I was out of breath again. My niece was in the bathroom so I had to wait. I leaked and didn’t feel it. I need to shower tomorrow. And shave. I have a new shave cream/balm. I have found that using it makes my head softer than a dry shave. I am so tired. I was going to read a chapter for class but I think I am going to go to bed, soon as I put my PJs on.

Therapy was hard today

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 3 and had a hard time falling back to sleep. I also had a hard time getting up. I didn’t get up till 1230 which left me a little time to wake up before my therapy appt. I was sort of dreading it.

She brought up the stuff I sent her in the message and we talked about some trauma stuff, though I don’t know if it is really trauma stuff. We talked about how much the suicidal stuff was related to me being trans. She wondered if seeing a LGBTQ therapist would be helpful and I said that it is hard to find one. Mostly I have seen allies. The session really brought me down and I needed to nap. I was so tired. And then I got a migraine so decided not to go to class. It was the fourth day of migraines for me. I sent a message to my neuro and I hope it went through. I kept getting error messages on the app.

I have been trying to do my homework for lab but nothing is making sense to me right now and I want to sleep so bad. I completely do not understand it and the migraine isn’t helping me. I was supposed to get a print of it but it hasn’t been delivered yet. I am doing it electronically, well trying to anyway.

I still feel like I should be dead somehow. I don’t feel any different that I have transitioned. The depression is the same. The wanting to die is the same, though it isn’t as intense as it once was. I just feel jaded most of the time. Like I can die and it wouldn’t bother me at all. I have built up the capacity to do it. I just choose not to act on it. Like it is ok to have the thoughts but as long as I don’t act on it, I am ok. I feel like I can act on it anytime I want to. There just needs to be a driving force to do it. Right now there isn’t. It’s not overwhelming me.

I found out today my aunt died. She had dementia. She didn’t know me anymore. It was really sad. She was a nice lady. I will always remember that about her.

Slept late on a Sunday

Today is Superbowl Sunday. My Pats are playing. I can’t wait till game time. I am hoping I can watch it with my brother in law as I don’t have a TV. Otherwise, I will just keep tabs on the game via the app.

I just put in a load of laundry. I left my phone downstairs. I need to shave my head today. I am finding that when I use the shaving cream, I get a closer shave, which is nice. I am drinking fluids today because I didn’t drink much yesterday. I had two cups of coffee today. I haven’t eaten anything as I am not really hungry. My niece has some mac and cheese that she made. I might have some of that later.

I feel totally depressed and I don’t know why. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my psychiatrist lowered the Latuda by 30 mg. I feel on edge as I watch for unusual thinking and stuff. I remember when I was in the catatonic state they had me on 40 mg but I don’t think I was taking it consistently.

It is really cold today and last night between the wind and the heat, I had a hard time falling asleep. I have been seriously thinking about getting earplugs. It is kind of quiet now. I still feel sleepy. Last night I did my homework and got a C. I will do the other homework today and see what I get. I read the PDF that was assigned that made things simpler but I didn’t see how it was graded or how you got credit for it.

Tomorrow I got to pick up my library book. It is a trans memoir. My other book will have to wait.

I got a migraine last night and I still got some pressure in my head today. It’s weird that I am not hungry. Maybe I will drink an Ensure today. I have to bring it up to my room. It has been sitting near my living room since I bought it. I am not sure what I am going to do today as I don’t feel right. I got to do my meds for the week. I don’t know what I am going to do about night meds as I don’t want to get diarrhea again. I took magnesium last night so I am waiting to see if I have a bowel movement. It is such a balancing act for my bowels.

Yesterday marked 25 years since I had my CES surgery. I honestly didn’t think I was going to walk again. I am grateful that I can as I know a lot of people who can’t. One thing I learned is not to take it for granted. It was a long road to learn to walk again and I had to do it three times in my life. Each time was difficult. And the pain that went with it was even harder. For 25 years I have been in pain in one way or the other. On top of having mental illness, which is its own kind of pain.