midnightdemons7

Feeling more depressed

Last night I slept with the puppy because her mom was sleeping elsewhere. She didn’t really cuddle with me for too long and slept most of the night on her dog bed. I stayed in the room so she wouldn’t be alone.

I woke up and went to my room to take my morning meds. I tried going back to sleep and succeeded. I had a hard time sleeping for some reason. I kept tossing and turning. Then one of my in laws came over so I got up to see him. I don’t think I have seen him since my mother died. He looked good. He is back in the city, in another part where I live. He actually lives near the grocery store I frequent.

I had some breakfast and then I was full. I had a cup of coffee because I needed it. I finally had the right spoon for the sugar bowl so it was perfect. I had used a regular teaspoon the past few days and it was a little bit too much sugar. I started feeling a little hungry while my sister was making something but I didn’t eat anything. I am still full and I had some water and a glass of iced tea.

I have been having suicidal thoughts the past few days. Some of them have been scary because I could see myself act on them. I feel anxious about it because I don’t know what to do. Like I know what to do (use safety plan or text crisis line). I ended up using the crisis line. I talked with them for like an hour or so. I don’t have a solid plan so I told them I didn’t have a plan.

I finally changed my sheets. I feel good about this. It took me a long while. Now I just have to wash my dirty clothes that are in my room, including the old sheets. My foot is cold even though it is under the comforter. I don’t have the AC on, just the ceiling fan. It has been cool today though pollen count is still high.

I had an ensure with my night meds. I wanted to make a tuna sandwich but couldn’t muster up the energy to do it. I am tired but I know I won’t be able to sleep. It is too early. I have been going to bed before 8pm most nights and surprisingly, I have slept through most of the night except with a couple of waking up to pee. Last night I think I woke up twice to pee. I started a Powerade bottle because I was thirsty so I knew it was going to happen. But I was on the same level as the bathroom so it didn’t wake me up as much. Honey just stayed in her dog bed. I was tossing and turning most of the night. It was awful. So I am going to try and stay up till at least 9pm and then go to bed.

Saturday Blog 05092026

My groceries came and I had a difficult time bringing them upstairs. I was tired as I had trouble sleeping last night. I kept tossing and turning. I was able to shave before the delivery and brush my teeth. I got my stuff ready for a shower. Bitch was complaining about me leaving it in the bathroom. Where was I supposed to put it?? I put away the perishables and left the heavy stuff. My nephew brought them up. I was resting when my foot got set off after my shower. I have a wicked headache. I am just not in a good mood.

I forgot how hard it is to bring everything up. Even harder trying to find space for it. I am a little overwhelmed. I will sort it out. I am debating on taking a pain med. I took some Tylenol for the headache. My feet are cold. I shut the AC off. The humidity seems to have gone down though it is still 70 degrees out. Tomorrow I plan on changing my sheets. If I wasn’t in pain today I probably could have done it.

I am feeling wicked depressed. I think going off my meds is affecting me more than I realize. I just started going every other day with the Effexor. It will be another week before I am off it. Pain is not helping my mood. My back has been bothering me the last few days with spasms. I tried to put hot water while I was in the shower but I was fidgety so didn’t stay long. I got to find a lotion for my face as it is dry. And I hate lotions.

Can’t believe in a few days the semester starts. I haven’t touched the gender book. Or any book really. I have been going to bed early and doesn’t leave much time for reading. I can’t wait to see my therapist again. I have some issues to discuss with her. And I got to change my Oct appt as I forgot I see my neuro that day.

I don’t know if I will be watching the ballgame tonight. I am so tired. OSU’s first game was today and they annihilated Ball State. They won 56-3. It was a laugher. Every time I checked the score, OSU had the ball. I love that college football is back.

Tiring Friday

I slept pretty ok, waking up only twice to pee. I was wicked tired. I had weird dreams. My foot started acting up when I woke up. I got up around noon because I had to get my vaccinations for flu and covid at the pharmacy as well as pick up my meds. I also wanted to drop off my sharps at the collection box. I had my coffee because I wasn’t leaving the house without a cup. Then I brushed my teeth. It was too late to shave or shower so I was stinky.

I got to the bus stop and thought I missed the bus but it was just a little behind. I had to carry my sharps until after my vaccine shots and picking up my meds because of this. They give you a fifteen minute lee way and I didn’t want to be too late. I was thirsty so got something to drink and they had Reese’s oreos so I grabbed a package of that. Then I went to collection box. The walk to the bus stop was further than I thought it was. It was hot out and I was sweating. I was finished with the Gatorade thing I bought and wished I bought some water to go with it.

I went to the other pharmacy to get my weight loss drug and some milk for the cookies. I also got some water because I was thirsty again. I came home. I didn’t see my neighbor that I helped a few weeks ago. I wish I put my contact information in her phone. Or her notebook. I really hope she is ok. The puppy was all over me soon as I walked in the door. She is too funny. My shirt was soaked and I just wanted to sleep. I was so tired. My foot and ankle hurt so bad right now. I don’t know what I am going to do. I need a shower and a shave but I don’t think it will be today.

I was able to order my groceries and I was happy about it. Until one of my credit cards sent me a message that payment was due. Oops. I forgot about it. There is nothing I can do. I don’t have the money for it. I will try to pay some when I get paid next. I feel like such an idiot forgetting a payment. But the important thing is I got my groceries! They will be delivered tomorrow.

I gained a few pounds since the last time I weighed myself. I am still in the low 190s. I should be less next week. I think holding on to all the stool is what brought it up. I am still constipated. But I had to take pain meds this week because of my ankle. I still feel full. Even when I had that Gatorade drink I felt full and I didn’t even eat anything but a bite of the zucchini cake and my coffee. The zucchini cake is not good. I think because the zucchini was too watery it made the cake gooey and I don’t like it. No one has been eating it but me.