midnightdemons7

Easter Sunday 2026

I had a pretty good sleep despite being woken up by my sister looking for ibuprofen at whatever time and my phone going off this morning with Easter text messages. My sister woke up with a swollen face so went to urgent care. She has an abscess tooth. She is not feeling well. I suspect she will be home tomorrow. My brother in law was in the basement today and noticed our water heater wasn’t igniting. It is broke so now we need a plumber to replace it. It has been leaking for a month so I don’t understand why it wasn’t replaced sooner. He pisses me off. He is an alcoholic so does things on his schedule. Today he was a total jerk and argumentative about nearly everything. I feel for my sister who has to put up with him.

We ate early as food was ready before 2pm. My stomach is still full. I had coffee so I could study without falling asleep and that was my tipping point. I wanted a piece of pumpkin pie but I had ricotta pie instead. It was good, though my sister didn’t like it. We were spoiled by a bakery that made an awesome ricotta pie but it went out of business because they were selling the building. Trying to find a bakery that sells a good one has been hard as there are so few bakeries these days. My niece made flan yesterday and I had a bite. It was so good. I miss my mother’s custard pie. I should make it one day. I know how as she taught me. It is difficult putting the pan in the oven as you got to make sure you don’t spill it. That is the hardest part.

I did my meds for the week. I still am missing the med box from last week. I have no idea where the hell it is. Luckily, I have a spare so am using that. My gallbladder is giving me aches. I think it is because of my full stomach. I just hope I don’t get heartburn at like 2am. My allergies are fucking crazy today. I haven’t stopped sneezing since I got up. I went to set the table at my sister’s and instantly started sneezing. I don’t know if it is because of the vase of flowers or not. The pollen count is medium. And it was raining today. I got mad at the Sox today. They gave up a homerun to lose the game and to Machado of all people. God I hate him. He is a Sox nemesis because he knocked out Pedey in the prime of his career, forcing him to medically retire. Such a loss for the Sox. He ended up having his knee replaced because of that asshole. Sox are doing bad and have a losing record right now. I don’t know if I should be worried or not as the season just started. I think I will have a better decision at the end of April. They can still turn it around but fucking Weissert got to go. He has given up too many homers that have cost us games.

Saturday Blog 04042026

This morning was kind of rough. I didn’t sleep well last night. I was awake most of the night. I just couldn’t sleep. Then I drifted off to sleep only to have weird dreams. I woke up around 630 to pee. I took my morning meds and my stomach was not a happy camper. It has been bothering me most of the day.

I waited all day for my groceries to be delivered. They were late by a half hour. My brother in law helped me bring them up, well he brought most of them up. I put them away. I was really thirsty but didn’t drink anything. It has been a cold, windy day. My room is freezing. I am glad I have the extra blanket to keep me warm. Tomorrow is supposed to rain. My ankle is flared up so I don’t know if I am going to sleep.

I cuddled with the puppy after my first cup of coffee. She just laid on top of my legs. I couldn’t get a second cup. I took a few pics because it was so cute. She just curled herself into me. She licked me. I love her so much.

My psychiatrist finally got back to me but didn’t do a damn fucking thing. He wants to wait until he sees me on Thurs. fucking asshole. I hate reaching out to him.

I haven’t done any schoolwork today. I did manage to shower and that helped me feel a little better. I was listening to Love Story the whole time. I finally am getting tallied for the times I hear it again. I guess the files I had were corrupted somehow. I have paid so much money for Taylor’s music. I have nearly all her songs and collaborations with other artists. I just don’t have her first album, of all things. I have some of her songs but not the complete album. I don’t know why I haven’t bought it. I should get it.

I made a big goof on my account. I paid my sister twice so now I am short. Hopefully with the credit from the groceries order and the money I have left in there is enough until she gets the checks. I hate when I do something and then forget I do them. The only thing I really need to get is coffee because my sister likes my new coffee blend. I have half a box left, which isn’t going to last the whole month with both of us drinking it.

Pollen has been high today which with the wind, has been horrible for me. I have been sneezing most of the day and have had a stuffy nose. I hate allergies. This time of year I usually have to take my allergy pill twice a day. Sucks.

Good Friday 03042026

Happy Good Friday to all who celebrate.

I’ve had a disappointing day. My therapist had to cancel because of a family emergency and my psychiatrist still hasn’t responded to my fucking messages. I don’t think anyone has checked cause usually there is a message saying staff checked at whatever time. There is nothing indicating this. I am so damn annoyed.

I had a cup of coffee and then slept with the puppy. I didn’t sleep well last night. Around 3 am, I couldn’t take anymore of the puppy’s anxiety. She was on the floor anyway so I decided to go to my bed to try and get some sleep. I don’t know what time I fell asleep. I kept dreaming about being around MGH with my former car that I owned. It was so weird.

My pcp is referring me to uro for finding out why I leak. Since the UTI, I keep having small leaks, sometimes with my knowledge and some without, mostly without. I felt like calling the office to talk to the nurse because I am so stressed out today but I fought against it.

I need to read a chapter in my textbook and then do the homework for it. The practice test is posted. I think I will take it either tomorrow or Sunday. Depends on how I feel. Tomorrow is my mother’s death anniversary. I have been in such a rotten mood the past few days. I have been thinking about death three nights in a row. I feel like I am going crazy. Too much stress going on. Too many anniversaries. I hate myself for being depressed. I cannot wait till the semester is over.

I am listening to 90s alternative music. I can’t stop listening to it. I am in agony, full blown despair. Psychache is unbearable. I keep thinking of death. I regret living after my 2022 suicide attempt. I am so discourage with everything right now. I hate having depression. Who knows maybe I could have been a doctor like I wanted to be. Or maybe the MD/PhD i thought about doing. But physical illness and my dumb stupid mental illness got in the way.

I keep thinking of ending it. I want to but I don’t know when. And with my surgery happening so soon after the semester ends won’t be good. Thoughts keep going around and around. I am so useless and dumb. I am so disgusted with myself. I hate that I am so fat. I hate that my intelligence has gone by the way side. Things used to be so easy for me. Now I am struggling. No one knows I am drowning. I am hiding myself pretty well. I try to keep this pain inside but I will never be alright. Living inside my own confusion. Those are the lyrics to Lost by Linkin Park. I listened to Numb and had to listen to Meteora. From the inside is another good song. The whole album has the feels.

It’s almost 3am. I am so tired. My body hurts. Back has flared up and so has my chest muscles. And my feet keep cramping on me. It is kind of cold in my room as the wind has picked up. I am debating putting on a long sleeve shirt.

I still can’t believe I’ve misplaced my med box. It has to be in my room. Pisses me off.