midnightdemons7

unwell

I had to pee at like 2 am and dammit, I couldn’t go back to sleep after. I kept sneezing and my brain was hurting me, like I was getting a humungous headache or migraine. I took some Tylenol and Ativan to try and get to sleep but by six I was still up. I took my morning meds and then had to pee again. Then I was able to sleep for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, my niece’s ex was still here so I couldn’t play with the puppy. I had my coffee and decided I wasn’t going to go out. I did not want to people again. Not even getting a drink at Starbucks was enough for me to leave the house.

I had my meeting with my DMH worker on the phone. We talked about the depression and how I didn’t go to class this week. I also was having stomach troubles because I felt like I had to go but wasn’t going. Yesterday I had the runs again and I didn’t want to be out in case I needed to go. I wanted my bathroom.

I set three goals for myself today. The first was to brush my teeth, which I did. Then shower and then do my lab homework. I still have yet to do either of those. I plan on doing the lab work after I write this blog. I don’t know when I am going to shower. Might be tomorrow. Or before I go to bed. I am thinking before bed.

I got to get out of this funk but I don’t know how. I am angry for a lot of reasons. I have grief for a lot of reasons. The psychache is killing me. I am so tired of hurting every day. There is this heaviness back in my chest that feels like an elephant sometimes. A thousand cuts. Being in an overheated room where all you think of is oblivion. I have so much school work to do. I got to read three chapters before Monday. I don’t know if I can. My head is so filled with failure it is hard to push through it. I just looked at assignments and there is three homeworks to be done by Mon. Fuck. I am so screwed. Not helping my feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

I had therapy this morning. We were talking about feelings and how I handle them, which is basically stuffing them. We were really talking when time ran out. I said I was OK but afterwards I wasn’t. Got really depressed and decided not to go to class. I just don’t want to deal with people today and trying to understand something over my head.

I bought dog food and gave the puppy wet food. This was hours ago and she still hasn’t pooped. I don’t want her to poop in the house so I am staying downstairs. I slept pretty good last night but I was up pretty early. I heard my sister as she was getting ready for work.

I feel so rotten. Psychache is high. I just hurt. Part of it is grief. Been thinking of my father all week. Yesterday was his birthday. He is part of the reason I stuff my emotions. We weren’t allowed to show emotions when we were kids. I’ll never forget when I was like 10 my best friend in school moved away and I was sad. I was crying and he thought it was foolish. Told me he would give me something to cry about if I didn’t stop.

My sister was home early. She took me out to dinner. I had a burger and she had wings. She won money on Keno that covered the bill. Think it was $80. She is lucky like that. I finally had my Jack and coke. It was good. I didn’t tell her about how depressed I was. I don’t want to worry her. Her job is stressful as it is.

I am so tired now. I played with the puppy and gave her hugs which she growled at but not in a mean way. She never snaps at you. It was like rolling your eyes. She is funny.

She built herself a fort and then I covered her in the pink blanket.

I got up around 1030. I made coffee and petted the pup. I really didn’t want to go to lab but I did. I have to redo the worksheet I submitted due to a computer glitch.

I came home and was starving. I finished the rest of the sub that I bought yesterday. It was still hot. I loved it.

The whole time I was traveling I was listening to the new album and I love it. So many good songs.

I got my meds before I went to campus. I got something to drink. I drank almost a liter of water and still haven’t peed yet so I think I am dehydrated. I bought some more powerade when I bought some dog food. I need to go to Walgreens tomorrow and pick up some for her. They didn’t have the one I wanted and she likes.

I came across this by a friend on Facebook and it resonated with me. I shared it with my therapist. I hope she can read my message before we meet tomorrow.

Luke and Taylor

I got up today around 11. After using the bathroom, I took my meds and checked the messages on my phone. Then I got up for coffee and some puppy playing. I planned on having therapy either in the kitchen or my niece’s bedroom. I decided the bedroom so I could pat the pup while we talked. It was a good session. I didn’t tell her about the despair I was feeling the other night. I just didn’t want to get into it. We talked about my anger towards my sister and how I handled it. Usually we end up text each other if she doesn’t barge in my room to yell at me. Toward the end of the session, I went to check my calendar and lost connection. She ended up calling me to set up an appt later this week for another session. She said she contacted my DMH worker but I forget now if they connected or just exchanged voicemails. I will find out on Thurs when I see her.

Because I am having trouble with my Fearless TV album, I decided to buy it again and see if that corrects the issue I am having. I got to find my cord so I can connect my phone to my laptop. I also got Luke Combs new album because I have all his other albums. I heard a few songs before I left to have dinner. I didn’t go to class today because I got to the bus stop and realized I forgot my wallet. I went back home and by the time I reached my kitchen, I was very out of breath. It took 15 mins for me to catch it and breathe normal. Then I was wheezing. I had no idea where my inhaler was so I just stayed in the kitchen until I felt better. I thought about sending a message to my pcp but what are they going to do? I felt tired so decided not to go to class. I knew walking up the hill again was going to tire me out.

I ordered a sub from my favorite sub place. I was only able to eat half of it before I felt full. It was loaded with hots and boy was it hot! I usually just ask for a little hots but it’s hard to put when you order online. The puppy wanted some of my sub but it wasn’t good for her. I kept telling her no but she kept on sniffing anyway. Brat. I stayed with her most of the day. She didn’t give me kisses until her mom came home.

I got such a headache. My chest is hurting. It has been bothering me the past few days. Today’s breathing issues didn’t help. I was heaving pretty hard trying to catch my breath. I hope I don’t have problems sleeping. It is cold in my room. I woke up freezing. I was wishing I had my throw that I sort of let my puppy have. I need it back. Damn temps are dropping and the wind is brutal.

I got a message from the lab TA that we need to bring our laptops in tomorrow. Ugh. I have to look over the pre lab again to see if I did it right. I don’t think I answered the last question right. There were only three questions. I can’t do it now as my head is hurting too much to deal with genetics.