midnightdemons7

In a depressive episode

I met with my psychiatrist this morning and he confirmed my suspicions that I am in a major depressive episode. We talked about options and for now will be tapering off my antidepressant to try something new. I see him beginning of Sept for a follow up before he is out of the office.

I then napped. I couldn’t get going even if you paid me. I had coffee and some pumpkin bread that I bought yesterday. It was very yummy. But it didn’t keep me awake. I woke up in time to text my DMH worker to call me as I wasn’t going in. I never showered and I stunk. I also needed to shave. The talk with the DMH worker went well. She thinks I am ok. I couldn’t tell her otherwise for whatever reason. I will talk to her again in a couple of weeks.

I made lunch. I had a turkey sandwich. I couldn’t finish it so gave the meat to the pup. She was happy. I then decided to shave and shower. I knew it was going to be hard because my back started acting up while I was brushing my teeth. It is still bothering me now. I feel so sleepy I want to take another nap.

Baseball is playing now. Snakes lost and Sox are winning for the moment. There is one more inning left.

I have been feeling down all week. Sometimes, suicidal. Headaches haven’t been helping. I also have been feeling anxious, which isn’t like me. I think it was because of the steroids. Yesterday was so bad, I had to take an Ativan. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I went to bed early and pretty much slept through the night. I have been exhausted lately and I don’t know why. I also don’t know why I keep getting headaches. I hope they are gone by the time the semester starts.

Drunk on you

Last night I went pee and Honey decided to come in my room to shit and then went in the hallway. I was not fucking happy. I wasn’t able to get to sleep right away. I think I fell asleep around 1ish. I slept until my med alarm went off. I got up to pee but then went back to bed. I didn’t feel like being up early. I forgot to take my meds. I didn’t take them until I got up around noon. I am glad I got up at that time because I had therapy at 1.

I had another headache today. The third since starting the steroids. I have two days left on them. I got one day of antibiotics for the UTI. I don’t know if it is making my urine dark but something is. Maybe I am just dehydrated. I don’t know. I still am not eating. I had nothing with my coffee this morning. I made a tuna sandwich after therapy and then had an ice cream sandwich. I drank water. I got to refill my water bottle.

Therapy was a little hard. We talked about the conversation I had with my childhood friend the other night. I told her suicide has been on my mind a little more lately. I don’t really have to plan as I can act any time I want to. Then I told her Aug is a bad month for me and is the month I OD’d. We talked about how psychotic I became and the care I failed to receive for it. I was barely eating while in the hospital. I had no appetite at all. They would give me these shakes and that would be all I would have all day. I never filled out a menu or anything. If I got one, I don’t remember it. I spent a long time in the hospital after the OD. They had taken me off my meds and I was really confused and didn’t know what the hell was going on. I couldn’t take care of myself at all. My sisters had to help me shower and wash up, brush my teeth. I was so out of it. I would sleep all the time during the day because I was awake during the night. I just couldn’t sleep at night. I kept listening for things. I don’t know what they were. Sometimes I felt like I had holes in my ears from ear to ear. I wasn’t writing or blogging or even on social media. I only used my phone to listen to the same Taylor song over and over.

I feel wicked depressed. I am going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and make an appt sooner than Sept. I need to talk to him about this. I also need to talk to him about how he schedules me. FFS three months is not good and I don’t like it. If he says tough, I am going to have to find another psychiatrist.

I am so tired today. I struggled to stay up after therapy. I have zero energy. I was supposed to shave my head today but I just couldn’t find the motivation. Maybe tomorrow. I get my food stamps tomorrow and I want to get a steak, maybe some burgers. Depends on how much everything is. I am sure the price of my $5 burgers have gone up. I will be going to the meat market.