midnightdemons7

Does anyone care?

I woke up with pain and it was radiating to my back. It was around 930 so I called the surgeon’s office after I took my meds. The secretary said the surgeon wanted a CT scan and she would call me back when she had a place and time for me to go to. I said I wanted one in Boston as I don’t have a car. She called about an hour later and still didn’t have a place for me so she had to call me back again. The third time she had a Boston site and it was tomorrow. She also said that my surgeon wants blood work. So I will leave early tomorrow to get that done before the CT.

I had my coffee but I wasn’t hungry. After the coffee, I laid down with the pup. It was cool in the room as the AC was on and it was like 90 degrees outside. I had to do some stuff for financial aid. I tried to do it yesterday but I wasn’t thinking clearly with all the pain and pain meds. I had to email my advisor as I needed her input on the form I had to submit.

When I was done with that, I wanted another cup of coffee and something to eat. I made a biscuit sandwich. It was good. I went outside with the puppy. I stayed until I was sweaty. I planned on taking a shower but I wasn’t sure when it was going to happy. I had dinner and then sort of snoozed until bitchy sister came home. She was so damn loud. I decided to shower before she got rid of the towel I put in the bathroom. I wanted to take off my beard but I just didn’t have the energy to do it. I somehow cracked a tooth when I made cookies. I brushed my teeth in the shower. Now I have to go to a dentist.

Tomorrow will be the first time leaving the house since surgery. I hope I do ok. I will take my time as I got to walk up the hill to the bus stop. I plan on putting some money on my t-pass. It’s supposed to be the same 89 degree weather as today.

A diamond in the rough

I didn’t sleep last night, at all. I was up for more than 24 hours. I am getting used to being up all hours of the night. I didn’t read my book at all because I just didn’t have the concentration necessary for reading. I was mostly on my phone looking at social media and playing my game.

I had therapy today and that was good. The call from the surgeon’s office came in during the last part of the session. It was just to collect information to pass along to the surgeon. I had to wait another couple of hours to hear back. My side has been killing me all day. We talked some more about being trans and how I wanted to die because I couldn’t transition to being a boy. The biggest thing was having top surgery and there was some hesitation as my BMI was in question. Luckily, I was able to find a surgeon that didn’t care about BMI. I told her that I had black and white thinking at this young age. We didn’t talk about it much but I feel like we need to because sometimes I still get stuck in the black or white thinking and it leads me down the narrow road.

After therapy, I had some lunch. I made some brown rice to go with the chicken I had. It was really good. Then I had a nap and my med alarm woke me up. I didn’t know if it was day or night so I ended up taking my morning meds. Then I realized it was night time so took my night time meds. Fuck. I screwed up. This is the second time I did something like this.

The surgeon called in some lidocaine patches for my pain. I am not going to pick the up as I know they are not going to work. I will just keep doing what I have been doing. I wanted to be seen but I guess that wasn’t necessary. I would have felt better and more reassured nothing was going on. He said he would call me in a few days to check on me.

They changed my pharmacy to the one around the corner so I need to add MassHealth to it so some of my prescriptions I won’t pay. This is so much easier for me for days I don’t feel like going out.

Lots of pain today

I woke up from a dream where I was kicking a guy in the nuts and I really woke up to me kicking. It hurt my abs. I took some Tylenol, thinking it would go away. But as I was finishing my lunch, I had a sneeze attack of like 7 or 8 sneezes and omg were they painful. The first one hurt really bad and I tried to tighten my muscles for the subsequent ones but didn’t matter. The pain was in my right lower quadrant where a stitch was. I hope I didn’t do anything but I am calling the surgeon when I get up tomorrow.

I was bored most of the day. I paid attention to the game, which we lost. I plan on reading my book until I feel sleepy or the pain gets to be too much. I ended up taking a pain med around 3 but it did squat. Pain is like a 8 or 9. I thought about going to the ED but I will wait to see the surgeon tomorrow. Sitting is bad and when I tried laying down, it didn’t help either. I am just feeling miserable.

I finally had a BM today. It wasn’t much but hopefully it continues to move. I have been taking miralax twice a day to get things moving. I have the pain med and the weight loss drug working against me. I was able to hold my weight at 195lbs this week. I was surprised it didn’t go lower because I hardly ate. I think between my bowels holding stool and being swollen from surgery it is adding some weight.

Other than therapy, I have nothing else going on this week. Next week I see my psychiatrist and will probably talk to my DMH worker unless I feel like traveling to Boston. I feel like it has been ages since I last saw my psychiatrist. I hate these two months appts. But he has proven to being useless when I am having a hard time.

I have been posting updates about Taylor’s wedding. I can’t believe it is this week. I can’t wait to see the photos. She is going to look stunning. I will play Love Story all day.

It is going to be hot all week so I am going to try and clear out my recycling this week so I can access my AC. My room is ridiculously hot for me. I have no idea how I have been tolerating but it has been driving me crazy. I want to be shirtless but I don’t want the steri-strips to rub against something and come off prematurely.