midnightdemons7

Saturday Blog 28032026

I slept nearly 12 hours last night. I woke up around 930am to pee. I took my meds and then went to sleep for a couple of more hours. I wasn’t ready to face the day. I haven’t done much in the last two days but lay in bed. I did read a chapter last night that was sort of a review of what I know about the cell cycle. I just hope we don’t have to memorize the shapes of the different phases like I did when I took Anatomy and Physiology. I haven’t read anything today because the Sox game took up most of my time this afternoon. It went into extra innings just to lose the game after tying it up. The starting pitcher, who struggled all through Spring training, sucked big time. He used to be a good pitcher. No more.

My niece and her ex left the puppy. I plan on sleeping with her tonight as I don’t think they will come home. She slept on my leg while I was listening to the game. I am just waiting for my phone to charge before going downstairs. My feet are ice cold and I had to put thermal socks on. Temps are in the 30s again. They will go up on Mon. I plan on shaving my head then, hopefully before therapy. The rest of the week calls for rain and one day snow. It might change though as it is just 50% or lower chance of it happening. Wed it is supposed to rain. I have class that night.

Mon I need to pick up my meds and get my T pass for the new month. I also need to pick up some Powerade as I am totally out and I can’t order more until Fri. I had the weight loss drug dose yesterday and my stomach is hurting today. I think it was the coffee or could be the chicken sandwich I had. I feel nauseous. I am running low on my Zofran. It is the med I need to pick up on Mon.

Last night I was feeling so much psychache. I thought about writing to my therapist but she won’t see it until Mon morning. I don’t know if she know what psychache is. The pain is becoming unbearable and now it is taking on some physical pain in my chest. Like the pain that I have been having the past couple of weeks. I don’t know how much is physical and how much is psychological. It just feels like a weight on my chest. Comes on at night. Sometimes I just think about death. Everything feels like a struggle, continuing my degree, being in therapy, taking meds, etc. This class is taking an awful lot of mental energy in addition to physical energy by trying to be there three days a week in a row. Next semester won’t be that difficult as I only will be there twice a week for one class and the other is online. But I often wonder if it is worth my efforts. I know I want my degree but it is so hard with the depression. I would be done if I wasn’t so depressed and can handle more than two classes a semester. I know there is going to be a semester where I will have to take three classes to avoid a summer course. Hopefully, I can take classes that are fun and are electives so the grade doesn’t matter.

unwell

I had to pee at like 2 am and dammit, I couldn’t go back to sleep after. I kept sneezing and my brain was hurting me, like I was getting a humungous headache or migraine. I took some Tylenol and Ativan to try and get to sleep but by six I was still up. I took my morning meds and then had to pee again. Then I was able to sleep for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, my niece’s ex was still here so I couldn’t play with the puppy. I had my coffee and decided I wasn’t going to go out. I did not want to people again. Not even getting a drink at Starbucks was enough for me to leave the house.

I had my meeting with my DMH worker on the phone. We talked about the depression and how I didn’t go to class this week. I also was having stomach troubles because I felt like I had to go but wasn’t going. Yesterday I had the runs again and I didn’t want to be out in case I needed to go. I wanted my bathroom.

I set three goals for myself today. The first was to brush my teeth, which I did. Then shower and then do my lab homework. I still have yet to do either of those. I plan on doing the lab work after I write this blog. I don’t know when I am going to shower. Might be tomorrow. Or before I go to bed. I am thinking before bed.

I got to get out of this funk but I don’t know how. I am angry for a lot of reasons. I have grief for a lot of reasons. The psychache is killing me. I am so tired of hurting every day. There is this heaviness back in my chest that feels like an elephant sometimes. A thousand cuts. Being in an overheated room where all you think of is oblivion. I have so much school work to do. I got to read three chapters before Monday. I don’t know if I can. My head is so filled with failure it is hard to push through it. I just looked at assignments and there is three homeworks to be done by Mon. Fuck. I am so screwed. Not helping my feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

I had therapy this morning. We were talking about feelings and how I handle them, which is basically stuffing them. We were really talking when time ran out. I said I was OK but afterwards I wasn’t. Got really depressed and decided not to go to class. I just don’t want to deal with people today and trying to understand something over my head.

I bought dog food and gave the puppy wet food. This was hours ago and she still hasn’t pooped. I don’t want her to poop in the house so I am staying downstairs. I slept pretty good last night but I was up pretty early. I heard my sister as she was getting ready for work.

I feel so rotten. Psychache is high. I just hurt. Part of it is grief. Been thinking of my father all week. Yesterday was his birthday. He is part of the reason I stuff my emotions. We weren’t allowed to show emotions when we were kids. I’ll never forget when I was like 10 my best friend in school moved away and I was sad. I was crying and he thought it was foolish. Told me he would give me something to cry about if I didn’t stop.

My sister was home early. She took me out to dinner. I had a burger and she had wings. She won money on Keno that covered the bill. Think it was $80. She is lucky like that. I finally had my Jack and coke. It was good. I didn’t tell her about how depressed I was. I don’t want to worry her. Her job is stressful as it is.

I am so tired now. I played with the puppy and gave her hugs which she growled at but not in a mean way. She never snaps at you. It was like rolling your eyes. She is funny.

She built herself a fort and then I covered her in the pink blanket.