midnightdemons7

Complicated grief strikes again

I’ve been up since 530. I had to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. I waited till my sister left for work, hoping I would drift off but then I started thinking about amino acids and well, I got up to study some more. I’ve been up since. I had my coffee but I was out of half and half so could only have one cup. I tried the almond milk creamer, and well, no. Not the same. After I had my coffee, I took a shower. My back is still bothering. I had some cramps the other day and it just put a kink in it. If I move a certain way, I kind of get locked up. It’s in the middle of my back so not sure what is going on.

I rested after my shower. It was close to therapy time. I had a difficult time last night. There was some stuff about trans that is affecting me and if the voting bill passes, I won’t be able to vote because I don’t have a “valid ID”, which I can’t get because I am trans. I told my therapist how I felt last night and that I texted a hotline, which for the first time was useless. The person I got didn’t want to talk to me so I just felt more alone and wanted the convo to end. My therapist asked if I had a plan and then wanted to know what it was. We talked about lock boxes. I told her the meds are locked up and as long as I don’t think about it, I am ok. The key is hidden in my bureau, which is not near me and neither is the lock box. I don’t remember if I told her my niece posted pics of my mother today. It just flooded me with memories of her last month of life. But I messaged her asking for another appt this week. I am really stressed out and March is not a good month for me. It is filled with anniversaries.

I remember that month so vividly. Every detail including her last week of life, which was while I was recovering from surgery. It is so mixed for me. I hate it. I hate her. I love her. I miss her. Ugh. She drives me crazy. And her anniversary is coming up next month. It will be three years. I remember my father dying but I wasn’t really around him while he was at the nursing home. My sisters visited him. I hated him and still fucking missed him when he died. Now I dream of him every now and then. My mother I seem to dream every other night. Lately we have been arguing in the dream. I get frustrated. I wake up confused.

I got up later than I wanted to. I had two cups of coffee and then I planned on shaving. But my bowels weren’t cooperating with me. I kept having to go so I would wait until my stomach calmed down. I went to my room and just played on my game. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I need to shower because I leaked. It’s also been more than a few days so I smell.

I need to read chapter 2 as a refresher. Exam is tomorrow. I am wicked nervous. I studied amino acids yesterday and read chapter 3.

I finally ate something today. I really didn’t eat yesterday or most of today. I really need to start drinking fluids before I get lightheaded and weak. I feel tired but I got to do some self-care stuff today. I don’t know what I want to wear.

I got therapy and class tomorrow. I need to pick up my meds tomorrow too. I sent my psychiatrist a message about how it has been going with the lower dose of latuda. I’ve just been more anxious. I kind of feel suicidal today. It’s been on the back burner for some reason. Now that we are at war, I am really despising my country. I am fearful of retaliation. This isn’t good. And I am so mad. I become more mad every day.