midnightdemons7

Therapy was hard today

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 3 and had a hard time falling back to sleep. I also had a hard time getting up. I didn’t get up till 1230 which left me a little time to wake up before my therapy appt. I was sort of dreading it.

She brought up the stuff I sent her in the message and we talked about some trauma stuff, though I don’t know if it is really trauma stuff. We talked about how much the suicidal stuff was related to me being trans. She wondered if seeing a LGBTQ therapist would be helpful and I said that it is hard to find one. Mostly I have seen allies. The session really brought me down and I needed to nap. I was so tired. And then I got a migraine so decided not to go to class. It was the fourth day of migraines for me. I sent a message to my neuro and I hope it went through. I kept getting error messages on the app.

I have been trying to do my homework for lab but nothing is making sense to me right now and I want to sleep so bad. I completely do not understand it and the migraine isn’t helping me. I was supposed to get a print of it but it hasn’t been delivered yet. I am doing it electronically, well trying to anyway.

I still feel like I should be dead somehow. I don’t feel any different that I have transitioned. The depression is the same. The wanting to die is the same, though it isn’t as intense as it once was. I just feel jaded most of the time. Like I can die and it wouldn’t bother me at all. I have built up the capacity to do it. I just choose not to act on it. Like it is ok to have the thoughts but as long as I don’t act on it, I am ok. I feel like I can act on it anytime I want to. There just needs to be a driving force to do it. Right now there isn’t. It’s not overwhelming me.

I found out today my aunt died. She had dementia. She didn’t know me anymore. It was really sad. She was a nice lady. I will always remember that about her.

Slept late on a Sunday

Today is Superbowl Sunday. My Pats are playing. I can’t wait till game time. I am hoping I can watch it with my brother in law as I don’t have a TV. Otherwise, I will just keep tabs on the game via the app.

I just put in a load of laundry. I left my phone downstairs. I need to shave my head today. I am finding that when I use the shaving cream, I get a closer shave, which is nice. I am drinking fluids today because I didn’t drink much yesterday. I had two cups of coffee today. I haven’t eaten anything as I am not really hungry. My niece has some mac and cheese that she made. I might have some of that later.

I feel totally depressed and I don’t know why. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my psychiatrist lowered the Latuda by 30 mg. I feel on edge as I watch for unusual thinking and stuff. I remember when I was in the catatonic state they had me on 40 mg but I don’t think I was taking it consistently.

It is really cold today and last night between the wind and the heat, I had a hard time falling asleep. I have been seriously thinking about getting earplugs. It is kind of quiet now. I still feel sleepy. Last night I did my homework and got a C. I will do the other homework today and see what I get. I read the PDF that was assigned that made things simpler but I didn’t see how it was graded or how you got credit for it.

Tomorrow I got to pick up my library book. It is a trans memoir. My other book will have to wait.

I got a migraine last night and I still got some pressure in my head today. It’s weird that I am not hungry. Maybe I will drink an Ensure today. I have to bring it up to my room. It has been sitting near my living room since I bought it. I am not sure what I am going to do today as I don’t feel right. I got to do my meds for the week. I don’t know what I am going to do about night meds as I don’t want to get diarrhea again. I took magnesium last night so I am waiting to see if I have a bowel movement. It is such a balancing act for my bowels.

Yesterday marked 25 years since I had my CES surgery. I honestly didn’t think I was going to walk again. I am grateful that I can as I know a lot of people who can’t. One thing I learned is not to take it for granted. It was a long road to learn to walk again and I had to do it three times in my life. Each time was difficult. And the pain that went with it was even harder. For 25 years I have been in pain in one way or the other. On top of having mental illness, which is its own kind of pain.

Sleepy day and depressed

I’ve been cuddling with the dog most of the day, sleeping in my niece’s bed. It is cold in the house for some reason. Heat is on so I don’t understand it. It was making a lot of fucking noise and the whistling of the vents were really annoying me. I got a migraine right now. I took my meds and some Excedrin. I was able to shave my head today but didn’t shower. I haven’t showered all week. I need to tomorrow.

I had just woken up when it was time for my DMH worker’s appt. We rescheduled for next week at a later time in the afternoon. I don’t know why I am so damn sleepy. I am depressed. I got a reply from my therapist who was thankful I sent her the message and will be talking more about it on Mon.

I got homework to do tomorrow. I got a lot of stuff to do. I need to wash my jeans and a few sweatshirts that I have been wearing the past few weeks. I also got a new Tshirt and UMB sweatshirt that needs to be washed. I still need to clear my fucking bed off. I lost the motivation to do it. I just haven’t been feeling right. I think I am a little dehydrated and I have been trying to drink fluids today but have only drank so much. I feel out of sorts and with the depression, I just want to stay in bed. The puppy cuddled with me and put her head on my legs.

I need to figure out how to change the log in process as somehow the PIN method got changed to passkey and I don’t know what the passkey is because I never created it. When I click on it, it gives me a QR code that doesn’t do anything and the stupid reader keeps popping up with ads. I have to sign in with my gmail account to get the code. It is so frustrating.

I took the weight loss drug today but I didn’t weigh myself this morning because I had a lot of food yesterday and I didn’t want to know if I gained weight again. I am getting discouraged with my weight going up and down. It isn’t a lot, just a few pounds but it is the same few pounds I am gaining and losing. I ate good food today. I had pasta and some Shepard’s pie that I made last night. I also had two cups of coffee. I needed the coffee. My brain wasn’t going to work without it. I miss drinking Starbucks espresso. I hate that I can’t order it and get rewards for it because I don’t go to a store. It would so help me during class. I have been thinking about going a different way to campus just so I can go to the store and then to the redline. But drinking it will mean not wearing my mask and with the flu season at its peak right now, I am too afraid of going without.